Identity Part 2: Who Are You, For Real This Time?

When you look in the mirror what do you see? Do you see what your parents see? What your closest friends see? Something completely different?

There's an interesting distinction that can be made between what and who we think we are, and who we REALLY are inside. At any given moment, we can think something about ourselves that may not actually be true. But, if it's been pounded into us over the course of our lives, those thoughts can be hard to ignore. The unfortunate reality is that our identities are shaped by the people around us. For some, this is a blessing, and the family and friends they were surrounded with helped them to develop a strong, positive identity. The same can't be said for everyone else. And then, seemingly all of the sudden, we get to a point in life where we have 2 options. We can either accept the identity we were given, or we can build a new one.

Building a new identity is hard. Like, REALLY hard. It means relearning how to think and speak to yourself. Relearning who you are, what you like, and what you are capable of. It involves pushing yourself to new limits and getting good at being uncomfortable. But in order to get to a place where you can begin to rebuild who you are, you must acknowledge that who you are right now isn't who you were meant to be. And then, you have to admit to yourself that the only one at fault for that... is you.

I know that some of you have endured immense pain and suffering at the hands of others. And I am by no means discounting your experiences as it relates to your life and how you live it. Those things require healing and care, not a 'toughen-up" mentality. What I am talking about is the point in life that every person reaches where we choose to live proactive or reactive lives. We all get to a place, regardless of circumstances, where we can decide to take action and create the life we want, or allow the actions of others to dictate our lives.

Your Identity Now

Here's the takeaway: Your identity is JUST THAT. Your identity. No one else has any claim to it. It is yours to define. Yours to improve. Yours, and only yours. No matter how many people have had an impact on it throughout the course of your life. That was then. This is now.

The identity you start with is not up to you. The identity you end with is.

The first step you can take, right now, in creating a better life for yourself, is realizing that you are the ONLY one who gets to decide what your life looks like. James Clear says it this way:

"Every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become. No single instance will transform your beliefs, but as the votes build up, so does the evidence of your new identity."

Which means that making absolutely zero changes is still a decision. You have chosen to do nothing, and that is a vote for the type of person you want to be.

I could no longer do nothing and stomach the type of life I was setting myself up to be living in 30+ years. I wanted to create something I was proud of. Something my family could be proud of. Something my God would be delighted in.

So, here are my questions:

Who are you? I mean, who are you really? When you peel away what you present on the outside, who are you on the inside?

I was lazy. Isolated. Bitter. Hurt. Lacked direction. I was someone who would never live up to her full potential.

Ugh. Just writing that makes me cringe.

Now, ask yourself this:

Who do you want to be? Who do you need to be?

I want to be influential in my community. I want to be a pillar of light in a world of darkness. I want to be the best version of myself. I need to be a shining example for my daughter. I need to be able to show her how to live life, and how to live it well.

Picture the life you want to be living in 5 years. In 10 years. Where are you? How much of your time is devoted to working for someone else? What do you do with your free time? What does your social life look like? What does your family do together? What does your home look like? What does your life feel like?

Be brutally honest with yourself. Are you doing the things you have to do now in order to life the life you want later? Or, like most people, are you prioritizing what you want right now, and unintentionally sacrificing the things you want in the future?

At this point, you should be able to clearly see the difference between who you are now, and who you need to be in order to obtain the life you want. Now what? Well, if those 2 people are different, it's time to put in some work.

Get Aligned

If you aren't the person you need to be, then it's time to get aligned. Not on Monday. Not next month. NOW. There is no better time. Take your vision for the future and own it. It's what you want, right? See it. Feel it. Hold on to it like it's a parachute and you've just jumped out of a plane.

Now, figure out what needs to happen in order for you to get there. Do you need to cut down on your spending? Get a promotion at work? Exercise regularly? Spend less time on your phone? Do some networking? Take a risk and start a new business?

Maybe you have several things you need to change. I know I did. I needed to exercise regularly, incorporate Bible study in my daily routine, take a risk and start a blog, create a content calendar and begin posting material regularly, in addition to all the things I do on a daily basis already. It was a massive amount of change. But I had a strategy. I implemented little changes at first, slowly. Then, once I was fully committed and aligned with my new identity, I was able to do more, and be more, every day.

Write it Down

Write down what you want. On REAL paper, and put it somewhere that you will see it every day. If you are more of a visual person, then make a vision board complete with full-color cutouts of what you want in 5 and 10 years. After that, write down everything you will need to change in order to get there. Even if you don't think you can do it all right now. Doesn't matter, write it down.

I know writing things down and visualizing what you want life to look like can seem cliché, but there's scientific evidence that supports the importance of writing down your goals. In fact, vividly describing your goals makes you 1.2 to 1.4 times more likely to achieve them, according to this study housed on Forbes.com.

You'll be tempted to skip this step, and I get it, but PLEASE don't sell yourself short. If you can't find the time to put some real thought towards what you really want out of life, then how successful do you think you'll be at taking steps to get there? Just some food for thought...

Execute

At this point, you know what you want, you can picture what it looks like, what it feels like, and you've written down the steps you need to take in order to make it happen. Now, it's time to execute. Start with your first item of change, and identify one small step that you can take immediately to get there. For me, that looked something like this:

I wanted to be healthy. Truly healthy, and I wanted my identity to reflect that. So, I visualized what my healthy life would look like. I would be an example to my daughter. I would show her what it means to live a healthy lifestyle every day. We would exercise together, cook together, and do other fun family activities that promoted our health and wellness, like participate in 5Ks and hike on vacations. My children had healthy habits that they learned through observation, so when they left on their own, they stayed healthy and had great lives because of it. Fast forward, and when my grand babies come to visit, I can do all the cool grandma things without the fear of not being able to keep up.

Once I visualized this piece of my identity, I then wrote down all of the things I needed to do in order to achieve it. I needed:

• A sleep system

• An exercise system

• A diet system

• A hygiene system

  
  

I started small. My very first action item was fixing my sleep. We spend about a third of our lives sleeping, and it's vital for all of the processes in our body, especially recovery from exercise. So, I decided I would make a promise to myself. When I set an alarm, I would not hit snooze, I would not lay in bed. I would get out of bed immediately.

This was the first step I took, and once I got good at it, I was able to take more small steps to help me achieve the identity I wanted.

• Waking up on time, at the first alarm, meant that I needed to go to bed on time.

• Going to bed on time meant that I needed a bedtime.

• Having a set bedtime meant that I needed a structured bedtime routine.

• Structuring my bedtime routine gave me the foundation I needed to establish a nighttime hygiene routine.

• Waking up early to work out every morning meant that I needed to do things to help my mornings go smoothly, like set my clothes and shoes out the night before and make sure my AirPods were charged.

• Exercising meant that for me to see results, I needed to have calorie and protein goals.

• Having calorie and protein goals meant that I needed to use some of my free time to meal plan and prep.

And so on and so forth.

Like James Clear talks about in his book, Atomic Habits, it's all about incremental improvement. If you can get 1% better every day, eventually, you'll be 1000% better. All it takes is time. Lucky for you, we usually have plenty of it.

Expect Setbacks

However, the funny thing about time is that it can be a little unpredictable. Meaning, things will happen that you don't expect, and you WILL get thrown off course. You'll have off days, off weeks, even off months. In order to overcome the setbacks you face, you will have to reframe them. Setbacks aren't failures, they are opportunities to learn. And, realistically, as long as you stay focused on what you truly want, a setback just means that you'll reach your goal a little later. And you know what? There's nothing wrong with later, as long as it doesn't turn into never.

Unfortunately, that's the most common problem with goal setting. If we don't achieve the goal soon enough, we give up. Things don't go our way, we fail at some small task in the big picture of our self-improvement, and we opt out in search of something easier. We take the path of least resistance when all we needed to do was stay the course.

The only way to reach the destination is to keep going. So visualize where you want to go. Identify what you have to do in order to get there. And do it. Commit to it. Live it out every day. Even if you only have 20% to give that day. 20% is 100% better than nothing.

Get 1% better today. And whatever you do, just don't quit.

I'll be right there with you.

Want to learn more about Identity-Based Habits? Read an excerpt from Atomic Habits here!